Well, on the bright side you’re probably composing in your mind when you do that. When you have such a desire there’s often at the root of it a creative spark.
On the other hand, composition is never “in the mind” but always and only in the conversation, in that which is granted by the opening in the space between oneself and the gear. Only in and through conversation is the gear disclosed as it really is. No matter what the conversation turns out to be, one has to be open to it and experience the spark afresh within the opening. Ultimately, the failure to be open, or the impossibility of an opening is what leads to frustration and a quick turnaround sale.
But there is in fact no opening without this initial desire. Lack of wanting something to happen is just as severe a kind of closure as forcing something specific to happen.
So I wouldn’t beat myself up, I would just see the cycling through possibilities as necessary, as mistakes that need to be made, and there will be long periods where it seems only mistakes happen. There’s no avoiding the dark night of the soul; the only assurance that one will never make it into the light is to adopt the posture that these problems have simple solutions, such as doing what others do and ignoring one’s own desires.
