For me music has always been synonymous with spiritual practice.
In a very particular sense, it’s been a way of access into certain spiritual realities that have been a constant though unarticulated presence in my life for over 30 years.
A way of access is not an articulation though. And to articulate any of this directly, in words, is beyond the difficult – all of our common concepts such as “belief” entirely miss the phenomenon. They lead to statements that may be correct (I guess it’s “correct” that I hold certain beliefs, for instance), but are not in any way true.
Anyway, I’ve recently had some profoundly negative experiences recently which have called this relationship (between music and practice) into question, forcing me to question whether or not music has any role for me going forward.
First, an experiment elsewhere in which I tried to be a little bit more open about things (outside specific “communities of practice”) ended, I guess rather predictably, in very negative reactions and personal attacks. Not that I particularly care on a personal level (I gave up on that long ago), it’s just that there’s only so much energy available to fight though them, and fight one must, if one expects to be heard at all.
Second, there’s the problem that music itself is unthought in these communities. You get the same cross-section of musical interests as you do anywhere else and there’s nothing to unify them. Which brings me back to the realization “a way of access is not an articulation”.
Third, “modular music” itself, in terms of current trends, simply (in any of its imagery, ideas and so on) has no relation to any of this – this all despite the modular format being more or less integral to my practice. This is probably the least formidable obstacle, as there’s still plenty to draw on in terms of past musical language – still it doesn’t present a particularly encouraging situation when you’re so out of step with the present.
So basically, these “hard lessons” have foregrounded the need for community building and led me to consider that music itself may be a dead end. All this has thrown me personally into a rather serious depression, since music is the only way I’d ever be able to contribute – I really can’t do anything else.
So in a sense this entire area is one of personal crisis for me right now.