“heat the plate, not the component” was advice I had heard but didn’t fully understand.
Well, you can sorta do both. You don’t want to apply heat to components for minutes on end because they don’t like it - especially ICs - but basically, my approach is:
- put the iron so it touches the pad you’re soldering to, and, ideally, the leg of the component
- hold it there a second or two
- now feed the solder in gently. it should melt and flux around the leg and to the pad.
never hold the solder by a component and then push the iron onto it: you’ll just make a mess that way. Also: tinning the tip of the iron before you begin is important.
It’s highly unlikely you’ve made a total mess of the board, and it’s also highly unlikely it’s “self-destructing”. If it looks like connections are unstable - that’s just bad soldering and cold joints. Take some braid or a solder-sucker - both pretty essential to have kicking around - and tidy up and redo the joint. Remember: this is just a skill people learn, it’s not immediately obvious, and you can totally do it!
If I could make one overall recommendation, it would be: don’t use lead-free solder. Yeah, yeah, something something health and safety, but it’s all rubbish, and requires a hotter iron than 60/40 lead tin. Lead/tin flows brilliantly, just works, and for DIY volumes is entirely fine. Just wash your hands after using it.