Emotionally, physically, musically, spiritually. Please share your story.
Overall, the problem of being between two different communities and the struggles to find a common language, the worst is the nagging question “who anyway is asking for this?” – and the despair of knowing that the ways in which everything is connected cannot be articulated beforehand. This is and has always been the major issue and right now I am not giving up, I am solving it just by pressing forward, but there are more bad days than good.
Musically, there’s a minor, and totally pragmatic issue, the problem is solvable in theory but in practice now just out of reach, and it’s furthermore a problem I created for myself by selling something I shouldn’t have. I want to do much more with melodic/tonal aspects (such as modulating tonal centers) and find the lack of linear ‘tracking’ in my current setup very problematic, as the simple tricks of adding voltages to achieve transposition do not work, quantizers (if I had them) would not work and I quickly run out of room when trying to “fake” things with sub-sequences. I used to have a Serge panel with five PCO/NTO that would have been perfect but I sold it, and to either find or make a custom panel of this sort seems impossible right now. Anyway, this kind of problem doesn’t worry me at all, eventually some solution will turn up.
Have a little case being built for me and I’m struggling to find the right layout. Ultimately, I just need to accept the limitations, but I keep thinking there’ll be some magical solution. So I stare at MG way too much lately coming up with permutations.
Just started grad school in a studio MFA program. I’m struggling with figuring out how to balance my life again, and also who I am as an artist in this new community.
Over the past 2 weeks, I sold off 95% of the gear in my studio (Elektron boxes, TE boxes, Ciat Lonbarde stuff, etc) to fund both a 6u 68hp and 104hp skiff full of modules. It’s exhilarating, but at times very daunting. I’m struggling to play the long game and approach the learning effort methodically and patiently.
Work-wise, I am on a sinking ship, and feeling too old and tired to care anymore. I’m not in a financial position to “retire” but have been working at home (for a virtual software company) for 5+ years and can’t even fathom getting back into the every day grind at a desk somewhere.
Trying to find a better job and managing my creative hobbies around full-time work while being increasingly frustrated that I have a full-time job and still can’t afford to move out. Feeling like I’m past it before I’ve even hit 30.
(Well, I could get a small flat, but I don’t like the idea of renting and I have 2 cats.)
Turns out I have depression again, and my anxiety disorder is flaring up too. But I have meds (first time trying them) and am starting some counselling, so hopefully I should feel a bit more human soon.
In the last nine months, my marriage of 11 years (and relationship of 18 years) ended, I left my job of 7 years for something new, an injury ended my hobby (distance running) of 6 years, I had to sell my house that I was in for 8 years… kicking and screaming, my entire life has changed in less than a year and I’m having trouble with that.
I have definitely been there. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to re-invent/make sweeping changes, just take time to heal and take care of yourself. It’s a lot stuff to process, and it takes time to feel “normal” again.
I wanted to write something here, but after reading all previous comments, I understand that I’m not really struggling with anything, so I wish you all the best and do not despair. Change for the better might be just around the corner, so be strong.
Struggling to transition back to working after living in three countries in as many years, and spending the past 2 years as the primary carer for our daughter.
Heart goes out to everyone in this thread. @Fedor You can be in a good place in your life and still struggle with many things. While it’s good to keep our troubles in a sort of objective perspective, there is some persistent aspect in the nature of suffering that tends to be indifferent whether your life is going well or not. No one is inherently safe from the struggle.
Earlier this year my music-tech related business partnership dissolved in some narcissistic flames that squashed a previously healthy trajectory toward my dream job, now back to minimum wage in food service and down a close friend (hard to come by as an adult). I’m trying to put back the pieces into my own project but it’s been hampered by a bout of depression that has flared up since that dissolution. More recently, a 4 year romantic relationship ended about a week ago. It was necessary due to some major incompatibilities and opposing paths in life, but tragic nonetheless. This means there’s a huge hole where other activities and people once were, which screams both opportunity and danger. Right now I’m trying to make sure I keep myself at least halfway physically and mentally healthy and avoid self medicating as much as possible as I have a tendency to do so. It’s always hard to figure out what the right balance between self-forgiveness and self-discipline/grit should be.
Most importantly I’m struggling to remember how to utilize all the different segment modes in Mutable Instrument Stages as right now I have to grab the manual for anything other than a decay envelope or LFO.
just began (literally an hour ago) my annual visit with my mother (in neutral territory). i have a very conflicted relationship with her, which has been a large component of the past three weeks of therapy (just started seeing a clinician again, finally). my therapist is very good, and…i’ve had a number of significant insights about this—and other things—recently, with a massive (therapeutic) butt-kicking last week.
i’m seeing components of our dynamic now that i’ve never had cognizant awareness of before. and. i’m just very nervous about how the next few days will go. the struggle—as ever—is whether & how much to express, at risk of suffering the same effects as i have my whole life. and it’s a double-bind.
i’m relatively hopeful for a somewhat positive experience, as last year’s visit went quite well. it’s just, all this dust has been kicked up, and my hard-won equanimity in this situation has…
vanished been obscured.
(also, props for starting this topic)
I just started a masters program far away from home and anyone I know. My close friend (who also has dead parents) reminded me that liminal spaces can be emotionally turbulent and to give myself time to adjust, but even with that awareness and a certain amount of preparedness it’s been very difficult. I feel very isolated, have had some feelings of suicidal ideation for the first time in a while, and have even questioned my nearly 10 year relationship (which is now long distance) despite it feeling like the most stable and reliable part of my life. The other day I went to see the Downton Abbey movie as a treat to myself for completing the first week of classes and I ended up walking home in the rain (1.5hr) crying nearly the whole way missing my mom, who died nearly 5 years ago now. It feels like I’ve traversed some bizarre emotional portal that’s taken me back to that time and all the work I’ve done on myself in the past few years has been undone…
Grief is not linear, the struggle continues, life goes on, love is eternal, I love you!
my dad used to say I shouldn’t call myself a failure etc and that my path would become clear in a way I never anticipated when I least expected it etc
lately he says all he wants is for me “to find a modicum of contentment” but so far…
I have a lot of free time and some “disposable income” but little physical or emotional (or spiritual?) energy. I tried to decide I would Get Serious about music but it doesn’t seem to work that way. Not if you don’t already have the passion or whatever. I’ve been reading more and more but it mostly just reminds me how irrelevant I am and how trite and superficial my own thoughts are.
I keep lurking here but not even I care about my music anymore, so… so what. I don’t know.
16 Nov postscript: predictably I do still care about it, though I’m mostly just practicing and making new field recordings and thinking but not quite “working” on anything recently… just wanted to add something since people keep ing this
Just an opinion, but you might find that some of the judgment and anxiety could lift if you can focus enough to lose yourself in the moment of sonic exploration with no particular goal…
In other words, let yourself get lost in the sounds and maybe you will discover some of what Mr. Eno calls Idiot Glee
It usually works for me at any rate…
6th mass extinction/climate change + inequality.
Implications of which touch nearly every aspect of my life and have huge impact on right livelihood.
I’m deeply deeply confused.
2nded. Trying to figure out a way forward in my life that speaks to that honestly.
About a year and a half ago, I forgot how to sleep.
It started with a single sleepless night which soon became several nights a week, which developed into a pattern such that I lost confidence in my ability to perform this basic and necessary function. That didn’t help the problem.
I came to expect certain nights each week to be sleepless - Sundays were fairly certain (blamed those on the Sunday scaries); Mondays and Tuesdays were typical; on a bad week, Wednesday would be no different. My work involves heavy close-reading of nuanced contract language, so a foggy head isn’t terribly helpful. That realization made it all worse.
GP believed it was anxiety and referred me to a therapist instead of offering meds. The therapist was supportive and genuinely believed I could defeat my thoughts through CBT. This was largely ineffective: I couldn’t out -think myself (though I found other value in some of the techniques I learned).
I’m a bit better at this point. I learned to use melatonin better, coupled with a precisely-scheduled bedtime reading period each night. Any deviation from this routine can prompt the ruminating thoughts.
One of these days, I’ll best my brain.
This. It enrages me how senseless it is, and I’m frightened of how much worse things are likely to get. It’s worsened by governments seeming to be more willing to go to war over climate-related issues than to take the necessary steps to mitigate and reverse the damage.
It feels terribly hollow to like this post somehow, but outside of personal issues, this is what I’m struggling with the most. It’s so frustrating, especially after seeing some german politicians pat themselves on the back after doing less than nothing. And even that deal may now be boycotted. I don’t know what to say anymore.